Green Day, re-awoken dreams and a creepy cat good-night

It's Sunday night and it's getting pretty close to midnight. I probably should have gone to bed about, oh, a few hours ago. How does that quote go? "I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it." If you are one of the very few, very well loved individuals that read this blog, and I really do applaud that since I am the worst at keeping the damned thing updated, I shall bring you up to speed. Yay!

First, as I am so infrequent at writing, I'll explain the motivation for tonight. Green Day. Haha, yes, this will sound lame, but I just watched the Showtime making of their American Idiot album onto Broadway, and I got teary eyed, and I got nostalgic, and I got inspired, and I got really thoughtful. Perhaps I should explain.

Now, I was a big fan of them, as was any twelve, thirteen year old was, when their "Dookie" album came out. I know there was some before that, but whatever, that was how I was exposed to them. Cut to about ten years later and "American Idiot" came out. People talk about albums (well, maybe not so much anymore because everyone just downloads songs now) but back in my day, I would hear tell about people being inspired or affected by certain albums that changed them or gave them some sort of comfort. Mine was, "American Idiot". It wasn't because I thought, "Yes, America is awful, and I'm politically involved and angry." It was an anthem to me in another way.

I grew up in the Inland Empire in Southern California and lived a very sheltered life. I married my high school sweetheart a week after graduating from the college that was a fifteen minute drive from my high school. I was renting the house that I grew up in for fifteen years from my parents, who lived five minutes away. I also worked at the local newspaper, not doing any writing at all, just distributing newspapers and faxes. Climb that ladder, kid! In other words, I was settled. But inside, I was screaming.

When I got this album and listened to these angst lyrics and songs about rebellion, about loss, about desperation and trying to find your way,(I could be wrong. Sorry Billy Joe, but that's how I interpreted it. You put it out there and that's what I got out of it) So... yes,when I heard "I'm the son of rage and love" or "Are we, we are the waiting unknown" I thought, "Yes, that's me! I don't know what I'm waiting for, or what's out there, so unknown.Preach it, Billy!" Yup, I fell in love with this album. I did what I could to rebel in my oh so rebellious way. I drove around in my red Corolla and I played that CD (hey remember CD's?) every time I got in the car. I went to the gym and I put that CD in my discman (hey remember discman's? and how they skipped and you'd have to stuff a towel around it in that little holder of the treadmill so it wouldn't rattle so damn much?) yep, and I would start on the first song, and just run on that hamster wheel through the whole album. Oddly, I was fatter back then and I ran a lot more. Weight train, people, it's waaaay more effective. You're welcome for that.

Anyways, so I did this, and I would run and get lost in the songs and be a huge sweaty, happy mess after an hour of running. (I can't do that anymore, bad knees) and then I'd go back to that house and back to that sad marriage and that sad job and feel miserable. That was almost fourteen years ago. Since then, I've remarried (so scandalous!) I've moved five times and have had four different jobs. Oh yeah, update from the last post, I'm back in SoCal and we are closing escrow on a house, Holy S#*t, right?! Talk about growing up and time passing by.

But the point of this very non important/important entry is that I remember thinking, "There has to be more out there for me. This can't be all that there is." It wasn't the fault of my city or the people in my life. It was with me. I was not happy with who I was, and I desperately needed to become comfortable with who I was and how I was living. It was that album that motivated me to get the courage to move out of that city, to apply to grad school (I know, ooh, you went off to college... again, big rebel) but, to a small town girl who was in marching band in high school, this was a huge turning point.

So, to round this rousing post out, I am suddenly inspired again. I'm in a good place, but I'm suddenly thinking, what more can I do? My dream since I was a kid was to be a writer, and to write screenplays and have people quote my lines that I made up. I sort of abandoned that hope as I got older and realized I was not going to be an intern at a production studio, because, ahem, I kind of like getting paid and having health insurance and I am getting too old to go work with eighteen year olds fighting for a spot. So, I work a lot of over time now at my shiny new job and I recently got accepted into a Doctorate program, (school again!I got in on the fifth try) and now I want to be a screenwriter too, and a professor, and I'd like to start a family since we're doing this house buying thing. By the way, one of the most stressful experiences ever, I take about five Ibuprofins's a day (just kidding, that's not good for you, I take, like, two) and then my stomach hurts from that, so....see, I am getting old, I'm telling you about my health issues... anyways, I feel like anything is possible, and now being in a happier, grounded place, I can achieve everything. (I may have a hard time waking up in the morning, so we'll see how long this high lasts.)

Here's to re-awoken dreams, may they always come back...and let's hope I have the discipline and the guts to carry them out....and yes, cheers to Green Day....(This has nothing to do with what I've been writing, I just have to add that one of my cats is meowing very creepily to himself in the living room, and it's like waaay past midnight now, and I'm a little scared. I may sleep with the light on tonight)...good night.

Whoops...two years...my how time has flown!

It has been about two years since my last blog. That is atrocious, I know. Especially since my last blog was about how I never post anything and was very behind. Well, I'm back again! Yes, two years per blog isn't really blogging, it's more like confessional writing every once in awhile. But hey, I'm suddenly inspired and sometimes you just have to write and send it out into the universe.

Let's see, what's happened in two years? I got married, received a promotion, joined a really great gym, discovered making chicken rice bowls for diner is very easy and nutritious (aren't I amazing so far? Just give it a second) Placed bids on three houses, got out bid on all of them, my cat jumped off our apartment balcony from the third story and went missing for three days, (there we go) I called a pet psychic, yep, yes I did, he came back. We began to think about babies and wondered if we should move closer to family back in Southern California, promptly received an eviction notice because the apartment structure we lived in was not structurally sound for earthquakes so they needed to retrofit and kick everyone out of the building (we have three pets, how will we find anything!)searched for month to month places, tried San Leandro and got caught in a shooting in the lobby! Survived, now have street cred, steered clear of San Leandro, moved to Walnut Creek, went on five job interviews in So Cal,got turned down from all five, (hurts the ego and makes me question who I am and what kind of person I should be) and now I'm writing this blog. Yay!

So,all up to speed? I'm sure you've been curious, you kind person that's found time to read this and are actually interested. You're amazing, you know that? Amazing and saintly, oh and good looking too!

It's close to midnight and it's a Sunday night. As usual, I can't sleep because I'm so anxious to get things done, only I don't know exactly how or what. I feel like I'm in limbo. We want very much to move but can't do it yet. We are being rational and need jobs first to move. No matter how appealing it is to live with Justin's grandmother. We have perfectly fine jobs now, only they're not near our families and friends. We've been in the Bay Area for a little over two years and we love it. The air is clean, the weather is always nice and cool, sometimes a little too cool, but I've embraced dressing like an Eskimo during winter, so cozy! It's so laid back, girls wear flats everywhere, my feet like very much! The City is close by (insert pompous voice here)yes, San Francisco is referred to as The City, because really, there is no other City quite like it. Well, I'm sure New York and Paris are probably quite spectacular, but I've never been to either, so, there...and the food! This girl loves to eat. The food is wonderful! You can find anything and it's usually fairly reasonable. In Berkeley, I discovered a Vietnamese food truck that serves the best spicy crispy catfish. Now, I never knew I would want spicy, crispy catfish, but I do and it's probably one of the best things I've ever eaten. So far, because, you know, I have a lot more things I would like to eat.

Ugh, This post doesn't really have a theme. I'm kind of spewing at the mouth here. Sorry for the grotesque visual. But I suppose I'm in the mood for reflecting. I'm wondering what the next step should be. I've reached my thirties, so now teenagers in large packs at movie theaters scare me and I can only drink beer, one beer, and nothing mixed.I'm sleepy by ten. AM and PM. And also, I'm thinking about babies. This is odd to me because I've always been really nervous around kids and terrified at the thought of having one. I remember a kid falling down next to me at the airport and I didn't know how to react. This makes me sound like a soul-less human being, although, let's be clear. He didn't cry and his mom was close by, so I wasn't that terrible. And now, I want a child and want to start a family. Oh, so cliche, blech, but I do! And Justin, my shiny new husband, he wants one too. Well, not now, he still gets that dead fish look in his eyes of fear when I bring it up, but then he snaps out of it and slowly nods his head like a cult member and says, "sounds good" Oh, I kid, he's on board, he just wants us to be more stable. And I want to be stable too.

We're literally in limbo, trying to make our way back down South. We apply to jobs every night. Our furniture is in storage (we're floor people) and most of our clothes. I can only be so creative and I'm worried because all our coats and warm weather items are boxed up and you know what they say, "winter is coming".
I had job interviews! I had five job interviews for five different jobs! The first one I drove down with the dog. On one of our rest stops, he found a fire ant hill which resulted in screams of horror from me while I doused him with my water bottle. And guess what? One of those little buggers hitched a ride in the car and bit me on the back. Of course the bite progressed into something huge and horrible to look at.(Here's a note, go to the doctor rather than diagnose yourself on Webmed) But you know what? I soldered on and I interviewed and then they told me, "no". And then three more, I flew for the next ones and then 0n the last one, the interviewer walked me out shook my hand and said these words, "You did really great in there. There's something special about you, I can tell." So, of course I thought "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, I so got this job!" And then she emailed me two days later and said, "You're great but we went with another candidate" Mother f*%$ker.Cold hearted!

I had to tell the people I work with what was going on. It would've been really odd and suspicious to call in sick once every week or two. They've been amazing about it and understanding. But, it's been about three months. They probably want to move ahead and are wondering when I'm going to get out of there. Oh, me too. Me too.

I suppose( oh look, I found my theme!) Yes, I suppose it's funny when you realize what's truly important to you and that what you thought you wanted before becomes something different. I very much want to start the next chapter of my life as a parent. I want to be close to my family and my friends. It's really hard to make friends when you're an adult. I want my parents to be close to their grand kids and to be there to see them grow up. Also, I'm gonna need a lot of help because my dog and cats are waaaay to sassy so I can only imagine what a talking child will be like. But, in the meantime, my husband and I are in this together, we're employed and are saving up,and, we'll be here for the pumpkin festival in Half Moon Bay! I love pumpkins.

Alright, till another two years! ....Well, maybe sooner than that...

Let's catch up...

I know, I know. I am a terrible blogger. My last entry was in March and I am sure I have kept everyone hanging by a thread in anticipation of what has happened to me and what path my life has taken now. No? Ah well, for my own amusement, I’ll summarize the last six and a half months.
I have moved. I have uprooted the two cats, the dog, myself and led our small family into unknown territory, following my boyfriend to Northern California. Justin recently graduated with his Masters in Urban Planning from UCI in June and happily accepted a job in affordable housing in Downtown Oakland.
Then the question came, do I go with him? Do I leave my job at UCI with the lovely scientists and amazing home cooked pasta gatherings? Do I leave my friends and my family and travel up north to the Bay Area with its promises of cooler weather, clear skies and San Francisco? And also, did I mention, I’d be unemployed? I would be a twenty nine year old, single -ish, ahem, girl, with no job, two cats and dog completely dependent on my boyfriend.
I recognize that people move to farther regions, people also may have to singularly support, say, a child, as opposed to my furry companions. But, it was a huge decision, and one that threw me into Jekyll and Hyde like fits during a two week span.
So, big surprise, I chose to take a chance on fate, and here I am, typing away while I stare out the window into the Alameda Bay marina. It’s foggy and raining, quite the contrary to what I have been recently told about Southern California’s weather at the moment. I take Basil on walks in the morning and evenings. We’re fortunate enough to live practically on the water so we watch boats and yachts cruise by. Basil likes to time it so that during these moments he’ll do his dirty business just in the moment when the boats onlookers see his good work and my even better work as a good Samaritan who cleans up after their dog. Thank you very much.
I’ve fortunately found a job in the School of Business at UC Berkeley and as a cardinal and gold blooded Trojan, (don’t strike me down when I say) Go Bears! Even though my Trojan sweat-shirted self has been glared at on numerous occasions when I go running in the city and the car has been “booh-ed” at the mall due to my SC license plate. Ah well, what’s the saying? You can take the girl out of Southern California, but you can never take Southern California out of ….never mind…
But the thing is, I took a chance, small, but it was a chance. And while I believe anything can happen in just a second, a moment, that can change your life, I’m happy that I chose to, and I am happy with the outcome.
Every so often a flock of Geese will fly by our apartment window, this usually terrifies the cats, and on my walks I’ll see tall long legged cranes searching the water for fish. My mom tells me these birds bring good luck. The air holds that hint of crispness to it, and you can smell the salt from the sea. Justin will come home with his bicycle helmet on, one pant leg rolled up (we sold one of our cars, we’re sooo Nor Cal now) and after he shoos Basil away from biting his ankles, we’ll smile, because we have each other and now we have a new home in the East Bay.

"The waiting is the hardest part"....thank you Tom Petty

Arrg! So, I applied to the Creative Writing and Literature Ph.D. program at USC for the third time. This is my third year in a row. I am now three years older since my first application and my first rejection. I go from hopeful to depressed. The stats, I've been told is that they get 300 to 400 applicants a year and only accept 3-5 people. Who am I kidding! Anyways, I still do not know what I want to do when I grow up, and yet, I'm at the age where I'm supposed to be grown up. I only know that I would like to write and that I would like to teach at the University level. I have been fortunate in the past to teach at the Community College level, which I actually really enjoyed but, then, budget cuts were made for school funding and many a class disappeared and with them, many a teacher's job...mine included. This left me to therefore enter the big bad world of corporate office work for another two years, and then, now at a University, but in the Administrative section, which, I have to say is much better, but still, leaves me wanting.
This awful sense of waiting and anticipation has sucked my soul dry. I am forgetful, clumsy and I slur words because I am so much in thought about "what if?" that I appear slightly drunk...which is really sad and disheartening, because there is no tendency to giggle uncontrollably at people's sentences or to dance at anything remotely resembling music..trash can lids being thrown...I don't know....sigh...
I come home and find solace in my pets... and then anger because the puppy has taken a disgusting liking to eating out of the cat litter box. I know he knows it's wrong because when he hears the regular "Why!", he retreats under the bed.
I dislike the waiting, it has lead me to write only about my dog eating cat droppings. That also is what my conversations have been reduced to. "Oh, hi, yes, yes, I'm good...Still waiting to hear back about school...probably rejected..you know my dog won't stop eating cat poo..yes, yes, disgusting habit, but I know he knows it's wrong..aww...cute little guy though, disgusting but what a cutie, huh?"
I have also picked up the habit of checking my horoscopes daily. One said that I would hear wonderful news on March 4th. Yes! I thought, that must be it...nothing...this feeling of the unknown is really unsettling. I know that no matter what happens it'll be fine, I'll just be miserable for a week and then slightly ok, and then I'll just have acceptance with a blank stare on my face.
It's just that life is nothing as you expected when you were a kid or in high school. You visualize it being a certain way, or that you would be at a certain point by now, but you're just still climbing, still trying to figure things out and still deciding where to go. The exciting thing is that a year from now, I'm not sure what I'll be doing or where I'll be. My boyfriend graduates in a few months and will be searching for jobs...but in the meantime, this "let's look at the unknown" as being exciting, is actually rather tiring...and if I buy the wrong juice again because I forgot my glasses at home again...

Running in the dark...and cake

Last night I went running. I hadn't done this in a while, with the holidays approaching and all the cookie baking and tasting. These are reasons that I should very well go running, but it’s cold and sometimes the couch inhabited by my sleeping cats and puppy chasing his tail by my feet are just too irresistible to leave.
But after eating half of my dad's leftover birthday cake from Costco, yes Costco...I decided that I needed to stop being so lazy and do something before I lapsed into a sugar coma.
I bade adieu to my cats and puppy and entered the streets of Irvine. Brave huh?
It was 5:50 and dark outside. No trace of the sun.
Of course, the first steps were awful and I recounted everything I ate that day ...which wasn't that hard since all I ate was cake.
But after about ten minutes, I revisited that rhythm that I had loved so much and hadn't experienced in such a long time. I also had a little motivation from thinking of terrifying scenarios of being followed or chased...so that kept me moving.
The cold air hit my face and I could feel it rush into my lungs...I can't run with my mouth closed, it's really hard...and began to let memories and a whole ordeal of "Where was I at this time last year?" and "I remember.." seep into my head. I like to do this.
Almost eight months ago, I lived in Pasadena, and I would run around the Rose Bowl after work. The run consisted of the parking lots and golf course that surrounded the stadium. It's about three and a half miles, always busy with dog walkers, running groups and hard core bicyclists. I came to dislike the bicyclists. I felt "on your left" wasn't sufficient enough a warning.
So I would run at night, and feel this same cold air rush into my lungs and hit my face. I ran alone and would get lost in my thoughts and push out whatever was making me feel awful that day. With every step, I purged myself of a bad day from work, questions to the self of, “you got your degree in writing?”, or as usual with any girl telling of a memory, a relationship that didn't work out so well.
And when I finished, I felt relieved, exhausted and extremely strong. I was "Independent Jackie". I finished a long run, and then I would go to the grocery store, pick up dinner and return home to my cat. At the time, I only had one cat. This may sound very "spinster-lady" like, but looking back, these were moments that proved that I could do it. I had been in a relationship where I was so dependent on the other person that I didn't even want to go to the grocery store by myself. But, there I was, living by myself (I had the cat) but anyways, I was capable. In being thrust into a situation where I had to be on my own, I learned that although frightening at first, it was completely doable. I managed my own life, because there was no one else to ask “Should I do this?” or “What do you think?” It was liberating. It felt like those runs around the Rose Bowl.
And now, I have someone in my life of whom I have grown dependent upon, but not in the same manner. In this dependency, I find comfort and a sense of calm…even when there’s more laundry to do and a spoon to clean that was left in the sink covered with peanut butter…just sayin’.
Yet, I can find that warmed sense of security because I braved that sense of cold before. So when that comfort becomes complacency, I can put my running shoes on and head outside into the cold to whip that perspective back into my freezing face. Then I can return home where it’s warm, renewed…and watch the puppy chase his tail all over again…he really thinks he’s going to catch it...(sigh)silly puppy.

It's been awhile...new revelations, or revelations I knew, and just realized again...

So, it has been a while. Two months I believe since I last posted anything? And boy what a two months! Sadly, I just added that last line, not because there is any truth in it, but it just seemed like something I should add, as if the last eight weeks of my life have been filled with tremendous insight and extraordinary events. I did get a puppy. His name is Basil. I do want to be clear that it’s not pronounced like the Italian herb, but rather, the British pronunciation. I was going to give him an Irish name, but seeing that I have two very British named cats, I didn’t think it would be right. Yes, I name my pets with people names…I think they appreciate it more. So, I may have to change the name of this blog from “Thomas and Oliver” to “Thomas, Oliver and Basil”, just to be fair. It was a very impulsive five year old thing to do, to raise a puppy in a one bedroom apartment with two cats and a boyfriend, but what are you going to do? He was cute and sometimes I get tired of going to Petsmart while experiencing puppy envy.
Let’s see, so in terms of my progress of published writing…I am writing on this bog, and that is the extent of my being published…. I am still working in the very scientific lab with lovely scientists who speak languages I wish I could understand and speak as well. I still am not quite sure what they do here, only that it is extraordinarily complex and no matter how hard I try, I will never quite get it. So, I have mastered the head nod to be followed by, “Oh…yes, right, right.” Also, I am awkwardly trying to fill the shoes of the last assistant who was adored and cherished, so that’s always fun….Perhaps one day, I will find that sense of love and dedication in my work that I see in them…I’m very jealous and mystified by it. As for learning the language, that’s another feat. My mom tried to teach me Korean when I was in high school (I’m half) and it was a terrible ordeal for the both of us. It wasn’t either of our faults; we just grew very upset with the other and believed the other was going about it all wrong.
And in comes the revelation part. For at this point of my life, I believed that aside from looking a lot like her, I was the polar opposite of my mother and the personality clone of my father. He is very patient, very calm, the quiet strong man in the corner kind of deal, never raises his voice, very Atticus Finch from “To Kill a Mockingbird”…although he forwarded me a very conservative email the other day, so…maybe not so much anymore…but to get back to the personality differences, my mother is the opposite. She will curse you out for cutting in line at Nordstrom’s, (this doesn’t really happen a lot, but just to give you a sense) for there was one time when I was maybe seven or eight, that this happened and while she brandished vengeance upon this unfortunate woman, I wanted very much to melt into the St. John sweater sets and DKNY pant suits.
She is fiery and fierce, where my father is calm and quiet. It’s like an Italian romance, the woman is full of passion and spirit, the man is in pursuit and balances out the relationship with his rationality. And that was how they argued when I was younger, she would dramatically stalk off in Sophia Loren like fashion, while my dad would go after her and in half an hour’s time, everything would be fine.
Witnessing this, I was very judgmental, saw it as a waste of time and always sided with myfather. But now that I have grown up…some…and being in a relationship and experienced a few failed ones, I realize, they are anything but practical and rational and quiet(relationships), and that now I understand my mom…now I realize that I am very much like her…why? Because I did exactly what she did last night! And this wasn’t the first time. The reason? My boyfriend left me waiting alone with the puppy outside of Chronic Tacos in Huntington Beach while he went to place the order. I should mention that it takes a while, because they actually cook the fish once you order it…(so I don’t seem too psychotic). We were there with his brother and girlfriend, so I felt abandoned and lame waiting outside while they were all inside, while the puppy was trying to break out of his harness to attack seagulls and a fork on the ground covered in hot sauce. ..and it was cold. So, we took a stroll, we walked around and met friendly joggers, yorkies with pink bows in their fur who looked at us like we were outcasts (judgmental dogs)…and all because I felt strangely abandoned, and when this happens, I think of other things that make me angry…why only I always have to clean the cat litter, why we drove my car to Vegas instead of renting one….ridiculous grievances but extremely valid at the moment…so I kept this up, and I regret it…I was so mad I only ate one fish taco instead of two…and they are so good! I’m very hungry for one right now….keep that in mind, if you have two fish tacos from Chronic Tacos, make sure you eat both, even if you think you don’t want to…
So in retrospect, it was a ridiculous reason to get upset, but at that time, it made perfect sense, my only answer to dealing with it was to stalk away, so he could come after me and affirm that I am the amazing, beautiful charming and intelligent woman that he should think I am…although after reading this…..and did I let it go after that? No, I chose to sleep on the couch…and yes, the girl is supposed to make the boy do this, but as I said, I’m a lot like my father so I’m all confused in relationship gender responsibility…and who suffered, me! He fell asleep…after his second attempt to get me to come back to bed, and I waited in the cold, creepy…living rooms are creepy at night…living room trying to hug my cats who wanted nothing to do with me.
So today, this morning, I feel silly, embarrassed and empathetic to my mother, I understand her a bit more…although I’m not exactly sure how….but I have this urge to give her a hug…my dad too because he’s my dad, and my boyfriend because I freaked him out (love you honey!) and my cats because they were annoyed and are now tired from being kept up….and the puppy because he really wanted that fork on the ground covered in hot sauce…..

Certainty

It's very foggy in the mornings here in Irvine. Never having lived by the beach before, I have recently associated the weather to that. Pretty smart huh? I'm adjusting to the weather. Not that it's been very hard. But it seems to be following a pattern, it'll be a bit overcast, cold in the morning, then the clouds open up, the sun will shine and then there will be warmth. However, this particular day offered a consistent fog and a bit of drizzle. Very different then what I have been experiencing these past two months since moving out here. Why my boring tirade about the weather? Well, it's not certain is it? For awhile I thought I had it figured out, but it's not certain and when you think you have it somewhat predicted, it changes on you.
This past weekend I visited my parents in Riverside, there however you can count on it being insanely hot. (most of the time anyways) I sat next to my mom while she was sewing and we spoke about how life always seems to change and how unpredictable it can become in just a few moments, in just a sentence, a phone call or through a piece of information.
She had just learned that her sister had been keeping something from her and had rallied with her other sister. She's the youngest of ten children, five boys and five girls. She was extremely close to these two sisters in particular as they had all moved here from Korea in the seventies. They had a different bond. She was deeply hurt and at a sad reluctant form of acceptance. She had never expected this and especially at this point in their lives. Their children are all older, they are older, why pick now to do this?
She then spoke of how she never knew that she would move to a different country, or marry an American. We then spoke of my ex husband marrying again, just a month ago. My parents had known him for eleven years. They never expected that we would separate and find other people.
Then, she exemplified our discussion by saying "I used to tell you what to do, how you should do things, but now...you never know, you don't know what will happen" This woman thrives on giving direction. She takes giving unwanted advice to another level. It was strange, but extremely real, an odd heartfelt moment, bitter sweet.
It made me very thoughtful. I have yet to become married again, to even think of having children, or what my new job will lead too, or if I will truly ever make a name for myself as a writer. I'm pondering pursuing my Ph.D. again. Third time's a charm. It's frustrating, but at the same time, exciting. I remember there was a point in my life when I just really wanted an answer, someone to tell me what to do. I succumbed and called a psychic hotline. I learned that I had a powerful aura and if I try really hard I'll do well. Luckily it only took ten minutes for them to tell me that.
So nothing is certain, all we can do is pursue and hope and either rejoice at the outcome, or deal with it...