memorial day weekend

Memorial day weekend is coming to a close. It's about nine o'clock, I'm getting ready to do the 'ol "this week I will accomplish"...This week, I will not gorge on donuts, chocolate covered marshmallows and pizza, which is exactly what I did this weekend. Yep, now is the time to repent and mend my wicked ways of bad eating. I'm cooking banana bread right now as I am typing this. Fruit is healthy right?
So, for memorial weekend took a lovely road trip with my boyfriend up to Santa Cruz, where we saw She and Him in concert at The Rio. Great show, great venue. It seats only a few hundred, there is no assigned seating and an incredibly friendly old man greeted us at the door. Very different than venues out here in Southern California. They did not serve beer, but they did have these yummy looking cookies.
She and him are Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward. This was my first time seeing them live and they are wonderful. They performed a brilliant version of the 1962 song"You really got a hold on me" by The Miralcles, and M. Ward plays a mean guitar in his version of "Rollover Beethoven"
Their original songs are fantastic too with a very folksy sixties vibe to it.
The first album, Volume One holds a lot of meaning to me. I bought it when I was living in Pasadena.I was in the midst of finalizing my divorce and was as they say "finding myself" (notice the quotation marks, yes that is cliched and if I were talking to you face to face, I'd do air quotes with my hands) so songs like "Change is hard" with lyrics like
"I know he’s yours and he'll never belong to me again.
I did him wrong.
So don’t brag,
Keep it to yourself.
I did him wrong.
I was never no, never no, never enough,
But I can try, I can try to toughen up.
I listened when they told me
If he burns you, let him go.
Change is hard, I should know.
I should know. "
I'm thinking of this mainly because I just found out that the ex has remarried about a month ago. It's been about two and a half years. So long enough and I wish him well, only it just feels a bit strange. Life is about moving on and dealing with things and just continuing. So onward, I will make banana bread and vow not to eat chocolate covered things and focus on my writing. I really don't want this to turn into my musings on past relationships boo hoo...yadda, yadda.
Back to the trip, so, first night Santa Cruz, awesome concert, next day, went to Monterrey Bay, ate clam chowder at an Italian restaurant, then drove down the coast on hwy 1. Beautiful drive, truly shows what a great place California is, then we had to stop for about an hour because of a douche bag truck driver who was driving way to fast on a two lane windy mountain road and drove into the side of a hill and crashed into a motorcyclist. Luckily no one was hurt and we were able to press on. There was a moment when we all parked our cars right where they were on the hi way and stepped out to see what had happend. It was like a scene in a movie where doom is inevitable and everyone leaves their cars to watch the space ship or giant tsunami wave coming towards us. Met some lovely bikers and there was a guy who was carrying a Frisbee. We thought this was funny, was he like "yes, time for some Frisbee, surely with all these people here, someone will want to play..."
Perhaps I should take Frisbee guy's example and look at life like that. Something blocks your way, play some Frisbee, it's fun, enjoyable....ah welll...

She and him Link, Change is hard on Craig Ferguson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQiy0dAhcvs

 At The Rio in Santa Cruz. A shoddy photo of She and Him on stage.

Justin staring at sea lions in Monterrey. Would have taken a picture of the sea lions but couldn't see them myself as I was not wearing my glasses. so, let's enjoy them through Justin enjoying them!

This is me smiling at the ocean. I like the ocean.

 Here's the truck that was blocking the highway. Check out guy in blue shirt with Frisbee. When is it ever not a good time for Frisbee?!

I have dreamed of traveling to many countries since I could remember. I want to sit on the sidewalks of Paris, visit the hometown of my grandparents in Ireland and Korea, see where Dickens lived in England and most of all, taste the food and wine of Italy. I love the way Italians sound when they speak, the way they emphasize with their hands, the way the language kind of lingers and rolls at the same time. Ci-ao, Be-lla, 
Bellis-ima...
I haven't done so yet, but, isn't it interesting that my new job entails working in an office for a science research laboratory consisting entirely of Italians? And isn't it interesting that I work for a research laboratory when I barely passed science in high school and avoided it like the plague in college?
I needed a change. I wanted to embark on something different, something that would take me out of my old job and give me a new perspective.
It's been about three weeks since I started. It started off very well, a nice relaxing environment, plenty of time to pursue my writing. I was becoming so relaxed that I even thought, perhaps I need something more, maybe I need a career, what am I doing, haven't I worked hard for something? What will I say when I need to fill out a form that asks, occupation?
And that was quickly put in perspective yesterday when I was offered exactly that, but in a field that I knew I would not find self validation or satisfaction. As I walked to the office this morning I thought, "If I take this, I can move to those extremely nice apartments in Newport, I wouldn't have to worry about saving so much..." but then I realized, I would be making that same regrettable choice I had made two years ago at my old job. That rather than move on and pursue what I wanted to do, even if it meant starting all over and severely cutting back on expenses, I chose to stay for a sense of security and fear of the unknown. The first year, I forgave myself for, I just got divorced and I needed the stability and the security. I also needed to support my cats! But the second year, I could blame the economy, but really what was I doing?
So now, I've been given this opportunity to write, I didn't even have this chance while in school for I was always working a full schedule.
As I entered the office I made up my mind, I would not take the promotion, I would continue to do what I was doing, because I needed too.
When I start paying bills, I may flinch a bit, but, at least I'll know that I tried, and I'm not repeating what made me feel so stuck and frustrated.
Unfortunately, the boss did not come in to work today, so my self coaching  tactics of "you can do this, and this is the right thing to do, and this is your life, live it damn you!" all fell down the drain.
But I did send a query letter for my novel to McSweeney's (www.mcsweeneys.net) who represents wonderful writers like Dave Eggers, and literary agency, Betsey Amster in Los Angeles. I also signed up on writersmarket.com to gain access to literary agents and publications.
We'll see, and in the meantime, got to work myself up again to talk to the boss tomorrow...

A new realization...kind of

Okay, so yesterday I believed that I had it somewhat figured out. I would finally allow myself to relax and actually enjoy myself without worry or anxiety. You see, I have this belief that if I truly let myself relax and think, yes, things are pretty good, well, the universe crosses it's arms and says "is that so?" and throws something at me that I won't enjoy. I think there's a "King of the Hill" episode about this. So, let me back track. When I was five, I wrote short stories about my dog. My parents announced that I was gifted and showered me with too much praise. I liked this and then kept writing. When I was ten I announced that I would write a novel. Cut to fifteen years later. I finally completed my first novel at twenty five because I had too. It was my thesis for my Masters Degree. My adviser loved it. This gave me confidence. I thought because a writer liked it, a real published writer, that I may find an agent. I thought, who wouldn't want to publish a book about a young girl battling with a family ghost which has haunted her mother from Korea from past generations?
So, to get to the main point, I have recently been a secretary type person for the past five or six years working twelve hour days every other week or so, while trying to write in the evening. I went through a divorce, yadda, yadda, and... right, so, I lacked the tenacity and motivation that a person needs to get this done. Solution, I moved from my beloved Pasadena to Irvine to take a part time position and I would finally write, I would finally get this done.
Well, today I learned, after only three weeks at my new job which I was loving with caution, (not too much responsibility, lovely hours, time to spend with my cats), that the person I was assisting would be leaving. Would I be able to take on this full time job, with about a hundred times more responsibility and months of training?
Grateful to have the opportunity, terrified I will somehow ruin this, and afraid of what will happen, I have realized, perhaps I should just learn to accept my present and stop wanting something different.  
Tomorrow I will learn more about my fate.