Last night I went running. I hadn't done this in a while, with the holidays approaching and all the cookie baking and tasting. These are reasons that I should very well go running, but it’s cold and sometimes the couch inhabited by my sleeping cats and puppy chasing his tail by my feet are just too irresistible to leave.
But after eating half of my dad's leftover birthday cake from Costco, yes Costco...I decided that I needed to stop being so lazy and do something before I lapsed into a sugar coma.
I bade adieu to my cats and puppy and entered the streets of Irvine. Brave huh?
It was 5:50 and dark outside. No trace of the sun.
Of course, the first steps were awful and I recounted everything I ate that day ...which wasn't that hard since all I ate was cake.
But after about ten minutes, I revisited that rhythm that I had loved so much and hadn't experienced in such a long time. I also had a little motivation from thinking of terrifying scenarios of being followed or chased...so that kept me moving.
The cold air hit my face and I could feel it rush into my lungs...I can't run with my mouth closed, it's really hard...and began to let memories and a whole ordeal of "Where was I at this time last year?" and "I remember.." seep into my head. I like to do this.
Almost eight months ago, I lived in Pasadena, and I would run around the Rose Bowl after work. The run consisted of the parking lots and golf course that surrounded the stadium. It's about three and a half miles, always busy with dog walkers, running groups and hard core bicyclists. I came to dislike the bicyclists. I felt "on your left" wasn't sufficient enough a warning.
So I would run at night, and feel this same cold air rush into my lungs and hit my face. I ran alone and would get lost in my thoughts and push out whatever was making me feel awful that day. With every step, I purged myself of a bad day from work, questions to the self of, “you got your degree in writing?”, or as usual with any girl telling of a memory, a relationship that didn't work out so well.
And when I finished, I felt relieved, exhausted and extremely strong. I was "Independent Jackie". I finished a long run, and then I would go to the grocery store, pick up dinner and return home to my cat. At the time, I only had one cat. This may sound very "spinster-lady" like, but looking back, these were moments that proved that I could do it. I had been in a relationship where I was so dependent on the other person that I didn't even want to go to the grocery store by myself. But, there I was, living by myself (I had the cat) but anyways, I was capable. In being thrust into a situation where I had to be on my own, I learned that although frightening at first, it was completely doable. I managed my own life, because there was no one else to ask “Should I do this?” or “What do you think?” It was liberating. It felt like those runs around the Rose Bowl.
And now, I have someone in my life of whom I have grown dependent upon, but not in the same manner. In this dependency, I find comfort and a sense of calm…even when there’s more laundry to do and a spoon to clean that was left in the sink covered with peanut butter…just sayin’.
Yet, I can find that warmed sense of security because I braved that sense of cold before. So when that comfort becomes complacency, I can put my running shoes on and head outside into the cold to whip that perspective back into my freezing face. Then I can return home where it’s warm, renewed…and watch the puppy chase his tail all over again…he really thinks he’s going to catch it...(sigh)silly puppy.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
It's been awhile...new revelations, or revelations I knew, and just realized again...
So, it has been a while. Two months I believe since I last posted anything? And boy what a two months! Sadly, I just added that last line, not because there is any truth in it, but it just seemed like something I should add, as if the last eight weeks of my life have been filled with tremendous insight and extraordinary events. I did get a puppy. His name is Basil. I do want to be clear that it’s not pronounced like the Italian herb, but rather, the British pronunciation. I was going to give him an Irish name, but seeing that I have two very British named cats, I didn’t think it would be right. Yes, I name my pets with people names…I think they appreciate it more. So, I may have to change the name of this blog from “Thomas and Oliver” to “Thomas, Oliver and Basil”, just to be fair. It was a very impulsive five year old thing to do, to raise a puppy in a one bedroom apartment with two cats and a boyfriend, but what are you going to do? He was cute and sometimes I get tired of going to Petsmart while experiencing puppy envy.
Let’s see, so in terms of my progress of published writing…I am writing on this bog, and that is the extent of my being published…. I am still working in the very scientific lab with lovely scientists who speak languages I wish I could understand and speak as well. I still am not quite sure what they do here, only that it is extraordinarily complex and no matter how hard I try, I will never quite get it. So, I have mastered the head nod to be followed by, “Oh…yes, right, right.” Also, I am awkwardly trying to fill the shoes of the last assistant who was adored and cherished, so that’s always fun….Perhaps one day, I will find that sense of love and dedication in my work that I see in them…I’m very jealous and mystified by it. As for learning the language, that’s another feat. My mom tried to teach me Korean when I was in high school (I’m half) and it was a terrible ordeal for the both of us. It wasn’t either of our faults; we just grew very upset with the other and believed the other was going about it all wrong.
And in comes the revelation part. For at this point of my life, I believed that aside from looking a lot like her, I was the polar opposite of my mother and the personality clone of my father. He is very patient, very calm, the quiet strong man in the corner kind of deal, never raises his voice, very Atticus Finch from “To Kill a Mockingbird”…although he forwarded me a very conservative email the other day, so…maybe not so much anymore…but to get back to the personality differences, my mother is the opposite. She will curse you out for cutting in line at Nordstrom’s, (this doesn’t really happen a lot, but just to give you a sense) for there was one time when I was maybe seven or eight, that this happened and while she brandished vengeance upon this unfortunate woman, I wanted very much to melt into the St. John sweater sets and DKNY pant suits.
She is fiery and fierce, where my father is calm and quiet. It’s like an Italian romance, the woman is full of passion and spirit, the man is in pursuit and balances out the relationship with his rationality. And that was how they argued when I was younger, she would dramatically stalk off in Sophia Loren like fashion, while my dad would go after her and in half an hour’s time, everything would be fine.
Witnessing this, I was very judgmental, saw it as a waste of time and always sided with myfather. But now that I have grown up…some…and being in a relationship and experienced a few failed ones, I realize, they are anything but practical and rational and quiet(relationships), and that now I understand my mom…now I realize that I am very much like her…why? Because I did exactly what she did last night! And this wasn’t the first time. The reason? My boyfriend left me waiting alone with the puppy outside of Chronic Tacos in Huntington Beach while he went to place the order. I should mention that it takes a while, because they actually cook the fish once you order it…(so I don’t seem too psychotic). We were there with his brother and girlfriend, so I felt abandoned and lame waiting outside while they were all inside, while the puppy was trying to break out of his harness to attack seagulls and a fork on the ground covered in hot sauce. ..and it was cold. So, we took a stroll, we walked around and met friendly joggers, yorkies with pink bows in their fur who looked at us like we were outcasts (judgmental dogs)…and all because I felt strangely abandoned, and when this happens, I think of other things that make me angry…why only I always have to clean the cat litter, why we drove my car to Vegas instead of renting one….ridiculous grievances but extremely valid at the moment…so I kept this up, and I regret it…I was so mad I only ate one fish taco instead of two…and they are so good! I’m very hungry for one right now….keep that in mind, if you have two fish tacos from Chronic Tacos, make sure you eat both, even if you think you don’t want to…
So in retrospect, it was a ridiculous reason to get upset, but at that time, it made perfect sense, my only answer to dealing with it was to stalk away, so he could come after me and affirm that I am the amazing, beautiful charming and intelligent woman that he should think I am…although after reading this…..and did I let it go after that? No, I chose to sleep on the couch…and yes, the girl is supposed to make the boy do this, but as I said, I’m a lot like my father so I’m all confused in relationship gender responsibility…and who suffered, me! He fell asleep…after his second attempt to get me to come back to bed, and I waited in the cold, creepy…living rooms are creepy at night…living room trying to hug my cats who wanted nothing to do with me.
So today, this morning, I feel silly, embarrassed and empathetic to my mother, I understand her a bit more…although I’m not exactly sure how….but I have this urge to give her a hug…my dad too because he’s my dad, and my boyfriend because I freaked him out (love you honey!) and my cats because they were annoyed and are now tired from being kept up….and the puppy because he really wanted that fork on the ground covered in hot sauce…..
Let’s see, so in terms of my progress of published writing…I am writing on this bog, and that is the extent of my being published…. I am still working in the very scientific lab with lovely scientists who speak languages I wish I could understand and speak as well. I still am not quite sure what they do here, only that it is extraordinarily complex and no matter how hard I try, I will never quite get it. So, I have mastered the head nod to be followed by, “Oh…yes, right, right.” Also, I am awkwardly trying to fill the shoes of the last assistant who was adored and cherished, so that’s always fun….Perhaps one day, I will find that sense of love and dedication in my work that I see in them…I’m very jealous and mystified by it. As for learning the language, that’s another feat. My mom tried to teach me Korean when I was in high school (I’m half) and it was a terrible ordeal for the both of us. It wasn’t either of our faults; we just grew very upset with the other and believed the other was going about it all wrong.
And in comes the revelation part. For at this point of my life, I believed that aside from looking a lot like her, I was the polar opposite of my mother and the personality clone of my father. He is very patient, very calm, the quiet strong man in the corner kind of deal, never raises his voice, very Atticus Finch from “To Kill a Mockingbird”…although he forwarded me a very conservative email the other day, so…maybe not so much anymore…but to get back to the personality differences, my mother is the opposite. She will curse you out for cutting in line at Nordstrom’s, (this doesn’t really happen a lot, but just to give you a sense) for there was one time when I was maybe seven or eight, that this happened and while she brandished vengeance upon this unfortunate woman, I wanted very much to melt into the St. John sweater sets and DKNY pant suits.
She is fiery and fierce, where my father is calm and quiet. It’s like an Italian romance, the woman is full of passion and spirit, the man is in pursuit and balances out the relationship with his rationality. And that was how they argued when I was younger, she would dramatically stalk off in Sophia Loren like fashion, while my dad would go after her and in half an hour’s time, everything would be fine.
Witnessing this, I was very judgmental, saw it as a waste of time and always sided with myfather. But now that I have grown up…some…and being in a relationship and experienced a few failed ones, I realize, they are anything but practical and rational and quiet(relationships), and that now I understand my mom…now I realize that I am very much like her…why? Because I did exactly what she did last night! And this wasn’t the first time. The reason? My boyfriend left me waiting alone with the puppy outside of Chronic Tacos in Huntington Beach while he went to place the order. I should mention that it takes a while, because they actually cook the fish once you order it…(so I don’t seem too psychotic). We were there with his brother and girlfriend, so I felt abandoned and lame waiting outside while they were all inside, while the puppy was trying to break out of his harness to attack seagulls and a fork on the ground covered in hot sauce. ..and it was cold. So, we took a stroll, we walked around and met friendly joggers, yorkies with pink bows in their fur who looked at us like we were outcasts (judgmental dogs)…and all because I felt strangely abandoned, and when this happens, I think of other things that make me angry…why only I always have to clean the cat litter, why we drove my car to Vegas instead of renting one….ridiculous grievances but extremely valid at the moment…so I kept this up, and I regret it…I was so mad I only ate one fish taco instead of two…and they are so good! I’m very hungry for one right now….keep that in mind, if you have two fish tacos from Chronic Tacos, make sure you eat both, even if you think you don’t want to…
So in retrospect, it was a ridiculous reason to get upset, but at that time, it made perfect sense, my only answer to dealing with it was to stalk away, so he could come after me and affirm that I am the amazing, beautiful charming and intelligent woman that he should think I am…although after reading this…..and did I let it go after that? No, I chose to sleep on the couch…and yes, the girl is supposed to make the boy do this, but as I said, I’m a lot like my father so I’m all confused in relationship gender responsibility…and who suffered, me! He fell asleep…after his second attempt to get me to come back to bed, and I waited in the cold, creepy…living rooms are creepy at night…living room trying to hug my cats who wanted nothing to do with me.
So today, this morning, I feel silly, embarrassed and empathetic to my mother, I understand her a bit more…although I’m not exactly sure how….but I have this urge to give her a hug…my dad too because he’s my dad, and my boyfriend because I freaked him out (love you honey!) and my cats because they were annoyed and are now tired from being kept up….and the puppy because he really wanted that fork on the ground covered in hot sauce…..
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Certainty
It's very foggy in the mornings here in Irvine. Never having lived by the beach before, I have recently associated the weather to that. Pretty smart huh? I'm adjusting to the weather. Not that it's been very hard. But it seems to be following a pattern, it'll be a bit overcast, cold in the morning, then the clouds open up, the sun will shine and then there will be warmth. However, this particular day offered a consistent fog and a bit of drizzle. Very different then what I have been experiencing these past two months since moving out here. Why my boring tirade about the weather? Well, it's not certain is it? For awhile I thought I had it figured out, but it's not certain and when you think you have it somewhat predicted, it changes on you.
This past weekend I visited my parents in Riverside, there however you can count on it being insanely hot. (most of the time anyways) I sat next to my mom while she was sewing and we spoke about how life always seems to change and how unpredictable it can become in just a few moments, in just a sentence, a phone call or through a piece of information.
She had just learned that her sister had been keeping something from her and had rallied with her other sister. She's the youngest of ten children, five boys and five girls. She was extremely close to these two sisters in particular as they had all moved here from Korea in the seventies. They had a different bond. She was deeply hurt and at a sad reluctant form of acceptance. She had never expected this and especially at this point in their lives. Their children are all older, they are older, why pick now to do this?
She then spoke of how she never knew that she would move to a different country, or marry an American. We then spoke of my ex husband marrying again, just a month ago. My parents had known him for eleven years. They never expected that we would separate and find other people.
Then, she exemplified our discussion by saying "I used to tell you what to do, how you should do things, but now...you never know, you don't know what will happen" This woman thrives on giving direction. She takes giving unwanted advice to another level. It was strange, but extremely real, an odd heartfelt moment, bitter sweet.
It made me very thoughtful. I have yet to become married again, to even think of having children, or what my new job will lead too, or if I will truly ever make a name for myself as a writer. I'm pondering pursuing my Ph.D. again. Third time's a charm. It's frustrating, but at the same time, exciting. I remember there was a point in my life when I just really wanted an answer, someone to tell me what to do. I succumbed and called a psychic hotline. I learned that I had a powerful aura and if I try really hard I'll do well. Luckily it only took ten minutes for them to tell me that.
So nothing is certain, all we can do is pursue and hope and either rejoice at the outcome, or deal with it...
This past weekend I visited my parents in Riverside, there however you can count on it being insanely hot. (most of the time anyways) I sat next to my mom while she was sewing and we spoke about how life always seems to change and how unpredictable it can become in just a few moments, in just a sentence, a phone call or through a piece of information.
She had just learned that her sister had been keeping something from her and had rallied with her other sister. She's the youngest of ten children, five boys and five girls. She was extremely close to these two sisters in particular as they had all moved here from Korea in the seventies. They had a different bond. She was deeply hurt and at a sad reluctant form of acceptance. She had never expected this and especially at this point in their lives. Their children are all older, they are older, why pick now to do this?
She then spoke of how she never knew that she would move to a different country, or marry an American. We then spoke of my ex husband marrying again, just a month ago. My parents had known him for eleven years. They never expected that we would separate and find other people.
Then, she exemplified our discussion by saying "I used to tell you what to do, how you should do things, but now...you never know, you don't know what will happen" This woman thrives on giving direction. She takes giving unwanted advice to another level. It was strange, but extremely real, an odd heartfelt moment, bitter sweet.
It made me very thoughtful. I have yet to become married again, to even think of having children, or what my new job will lead too, or if I will truly ever make a name for myself as a writer. I'm pondering pursuing my Ph.D. again. Third time's a charm. It's frustrating, but at the same time, exciting. I remember there was a point in my life when I just really wanted an answer, someone to tell me what to do. I succumbed and called a psychic hotline. I learned that I had a powerful aura and if I try really hard I'll do well. Luckily it only took ten minutes for them to tell me that.
So nothing is certain, all we can do is pursue and hope and either rejoice at the outcome, or deal with it...
Monday, May 31, 2010
memorial day weekend
Memorial day weekend is coming to a close. It's about nine o'clock, I'm getting ready to do the 'ol "this week I will accomplish"...This week, I will not gorge on donuts, chocolate covered marshmallows and pizza, which is exactly what I did this weekend. Yep, now is the time to repent and mend my wicked ways of bad eating. I'm cooking banana bread right now as I am typing this. Fruit is healthy right?
So, for memorial weekend took a lovely road trip with my boyfriend up to Santa Cruz, where we saw She and Him in concert at The Rio. Great show, great venue. It seats only a few hundred, there is no assigned seating and an incredibly friendly old man greeted us at the door. Very different than venues out here in Southern California. They did not serve beer, but they did have these yummy looking cookies.
She and him are Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward. This was my first time seeing them live and they are wonderful. They performed a brilliant version of the 1962 song"You really got a hold on me" by The Miralcles, and M. Ward plays a mean guitar in his version of "Rollover Beethoven"
Their original songs are fantastic too with a very folksy sixties vibe to it.
The first album, Volume One holds a lot of meaning to me. I bought it when I was living in Pasadena.I was in the midst of finalizing my divorce and was as they say "finding myself" (notice the quotation marks, yes that is cliched and if I were talking to you face to face, I'd do air quotes with my hands) so songs like "Change is hard" with lyrics like
"I know he’s yours and he'll never belong to me again.
I did him wrong.
So don’t brag,
Keep it to yourself.
I did him wrong.
I was never no, never no, never enough,
But I can try, I can try to toughen up.
I listened when they told me
If he burns you, let him go.
Change is hard, I should know.
I should know. "
I'm thinking of this mainly because I just found out that the ex has remarried about a month ago. It's been about two and a half years. So long enough and I wish him well, only it just feels a bit strange. Life is about moving on and dealing with things and just continuing. So onward, I will make banana bread and vow not to eat chocolate covered things and focus on my writing. I really don't want this to turn into my musings on past relationships boo hoo...yadda, yadda.
Back to the trip, so, first night Santa Cruz, awesome concert, next day, went to Monterrey Bay, ate clam chowder at an Italian restaurant, then drove down the coast on hwy 1. Beautiful drive, truly shows what a great place California is, then we had to stop for about an hour because of a douche bag truck driver who was driving way to fast on a two lane windy mountain road and drove into the side of a hill and crashed into a motorcyclist. Luckily no one was hurt and we were able to press on. There was a moment when we all parked our cars right where they were on the hi way and stepped out to see what had happend. It was like a scene in a movie where doom is inevitable and everyone leaves their cars to watch the space ship or giant tsunami wave coming towards us. Met some lovely bikers and there was a guy who was carrying a Frisbee. We thought this was funny, was he like "yes, time for some Frisbee, surely with all these people here, someone will want to play..."
Perhaps I should take Frisbee guy's example and look at life like that. Something blocks your way, play some Frisbee, it's fun, enjoyable....ah welll...
She and him Link, Change is hard on Craig Ferguson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQiy0dAhcvs
At The Rio in Santa Cruz. A shoddy photo of She and Him on stage.
Justin staring at sea lions in Monterrey. Would have taken a picture of the sea lions but couldn't see them myself as I was not wearing my glasses. so, let's enjoy them through Justin enjoying them!
This is me smiling at the ocean. I like the ocean.
Here's the truck that was blocking the highway. Check out guy in blue shirt with Frisbee. When is it ever not a good time for Frisbee?!
So, for memorial weekend took a lovely road trip with my boyfriend up to Santa Cruz, where we saw She and Him in concert at The Rio. Great show, great venue. It seats only a few hundred, there is no assigned seating and an incredibly friendly old man greeted us at the door. Very different than venues out here in Southern California. They did not serve beer, but they did have these yummy looking cookies.
She and him are Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward. This was my first time seeing them live and they are wonderful. They performed a brilliant version of the 1962 song"You really got a hold on me" by The Miralcles, and M. Ward plays a mean guitar in his version of "Rollover Beethoven"
Their original songs are fantastic too with a very folksy sixties vibe to it.
The first album, Volume One holds a lot of meaning to me. I bought it when I was living in Pasadena.I was in the midst of finalizing my divorce and was as they say "finding myself" (notice the quotation marks, yes that is cliched and if I were talking to you face to face, I'd do air quotes with my hands) so songs like "Change is hard" with lyrics like
"I know he’s yours and he'll never belong to me again.
I did him wrong.
So don’t brag,
Keep it to yourself.
I did him wrong.
I was never no, never no, never enough,
But I can try, I can try to toughen up.
I listened when they told me
If he burns you, let him go.
Change is hard, I should know.
I should know. "
I'm thinking of this mainly because I just found out that the ex has remarried about a month ago. It's been about two and a half years. So long enough and I wish him well, only it just feels a bit strange. Life is about moving on and dealing with things and just continuing. So onward, I will make banana bread and vow not to eat chocolate covered things and focus on my writing. I really don't want this to turn into my musings on past relationships boo hoo...yadda, yadda.
Back to the trip, so, first night Santa Cruz, awesome concert, next day, went to Monterrey Bay, ate clam chowder at an Italian restaurant, then drove down the coast on hwy 1. Beautiful drive, truly shows what a great place California is, then we had to stop for about an hour because of a douche bag truck driver who was driving way to fast on a two lane windy mountain road and drove into the side of a hill and crashed into a motorcyclist. Luckily no one was hurt and we were able to press on. There was a moment when we all parked our cars right where they were on the hi way and stepped out to see what had happend. It was like a scene in a movie where doom is inevitable and everyone leaves their cars to watch the space ship or giant tsunami wave coming towards us. Met some lovely bikers and there was a guy who was carrying a Frisbee. We thought this was funny, was he like "yes, time for some Frisbee, surely with all these people here, someone will want to play..."
Perhaps I should take Frisbee guy's example and look at life like that. Something blocks your way, play some Frisbee, it's fun, enjoyable....ah welll...
She and him Link, Change is hard on Craig Ferguson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQiy0dAhcvs
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
I have dreamed of traveling to many countries since I could remember. I want to sit on the sidewalks of Paris, visit the hometown of my grandparents in Ireland and Korea, see where Dickens lived in England and most of all, taste the food and wine of Italy. I love the way Italians sound when they speak, the way they emphasize with their hands, the way the language kind of lingers and rolls at the same time. Ci-ao, Be-lla,
Bellis-ima...
I haven't done so yet, but, isn't it interesting that my new job entails working in an office for a science research laboratory consisting entirely of Italians? And isn't it interesting that I work for a research laboratory when I barely passed science in high school and avoided it like the plague in college?
I needed a change. I wanted to embark on something different, something that would take me out of my old job and give me a new perspective.
It's been about three weeks since I started. It started off very well, a nice relaxing environment, plenty of time to pursue my writing. I was becoming so relaxed that I even thought, perhaps I need something more, maybe I need a career, what am I doing, haven't I worked hard for something? What will I say when I need to fill out a form that asks, occupation?
And that was quickly put in perspective yesterday when I was offered exactly that, but in a field that I knew I would not find self validation or satisfaction. As I walked to the office this morning I thought, "If I take this, I can move to those extremely nice apartments in Newport, I wouldn't have to worry about saving so much..." but then I realized, I would be making that same regrettable choice I had made two years ago at my old job. That rather than move on and pursue what I wanted to do, even if it meant starting all over and severely cutting back on expenses, I chose to stay for a sense of security and fear of the unknown. The first year, I forgave myself for, I just got divorced and I needed the stability and the security. I also needed to support my cats! But the second year, I could blame the economy, but really what was I doing?
So now, I've been given this opportunity to write, I didn't even have this chance while in school for I was always working a full schedule.
As I entered the office I made up my mind, I would not take the promotion, I would continue to do what I was doing, because I needed too.
When I start paying bills, I may flinch a bit, but, at least I'll know that I tried, and I'm not repeating what made me feel so stuck and frustrated.
Unfortunately, the boss did not come in to work today, so my self coaching tactics of "you can do this, and this is the right thing to do, and this is your life, live it damn you!" all fell down the drain.
But I did send a query letter for my novel to McSweeney's (www.mcsweeneys.net) who represents wonderful writers like Dave Eggers, and literary agency, Betsey Amster in Los Angeles. I also signed up on writersmarket.com to gain access to literary agents and publications.
We'll see, and in the meantime, got to work myself up again to talk to the boss tomorrow...
Bellis-ima...
I haven't done so yet, but, isn't it interesting that my new job entails working in an office for a science research laboratory consisting entirely of Italians? And isn't it interesting that I work for a research laboratory when I barely passed science in high school and avoided it like the plague in college?
I needed a change. I wanted to embark on something different, something that would take me out of my old job and give me a new perspective.
It's been about three weeks since I started. It started off very well, a nice relaxing environment, plenty of time to pursue my writing. I was becoming so relaxed that I even thought, perhaps I need something more, maybe I need a career, what am I doing, haven't I worked hard for something? What will I say when I need to fill out a form that asks, occupation?
And that was quickly put in perspective yesterday when I was offered exactly that, but in a field that I knew I would not find self validation or satisfaction. As I walked to the office this morning I thought, "If I take this, I can move to those extremely nice apartments in Newport, I wouldn't have to worry about saving so much..." but then I realized, I would be making that same regrettable choice I had made two years ago at my old job. That rather than move on and pursue what I wanted to do, even if it meant starting all over and severely cutting back on expenses, I chose to stay for a sense of security and fear of the unknown. The first year, I forgave myself for, I just got divorced and I needed the stability and the security. I also needed to support my cats! But the second year, I could blame the economy, but really what was I doing?
So now, I've been given this opportunity to write, I didn't even have this chance while in school for I was always working a full schedule.
As I entered the office I made up my mind, I would not take the promotion, I would continue to do what I was doing, because I needed too.
When I start paying bills, I may flinch a bit, but, at least I'll know that I tried, and I'm not repeating what made me feel so stuck and frustrated.
Unfortunately, the boss did not come in to work today, so my self coaching tactics of "you can do this, and this is the right thing to do, and this is your life, live it damn you!" all fell down the drain.
But I did send a query letter for my novel to McSweeney's (www.mcsweeneys.net) who represents wonderful writers like Dave Eggers, and literary agency, Betsey Amster in Los Angeles. I also signed up on writersmarket.com to gain access to literary agents and publications.
We'll see, and in the meantime, got to work myself up again to talk to the boss tomorrow...
Monday, May 24, 2010
A new realization...kind of
Okay, so yesterday I believed that I had it somewhat figured out. I would finally allow myself to relax and actually enjoy myself without worry or anxiety. You see, I have this belief that if I truly let myself relax and think, yes, things are pretty good, well, the universe crosses it's arms and says "is that so?" and throws something at me that I won't enjoy. I think there's a "King of the Hill" episode about this. So, let me back track. When I was five, I wrote short stories about my dog. My parents announced that I was gifted and showered me with too much praise. I liked this and then kept writing. When I was ten I announced that I would write a novel. Cut to fifteen years later. I finally completed my first novel at twenty five because I had too. It was my thesis for my Masters Degree. My adviser loved it. This gave me confidence. I thought because a writer liked it, a real published writer, that I may find an agent. I thought, who wouldn't want to publish a book about a young girl battling with a family ghost which has haunted her mother from Korea from past generations?
So, to get to the main point, I have recently been a secretary type person for the past five or six years working twelve hour days every other week or so, while trying to write in the evening. I went through a divorce, yadda, yadda, and... right, so, I lacked the tenacity and motivation that a person needs to get this done. Solution, I moved from my beloved Pasadena to Irvine to take a part time position and I would finally write, I would finally get this done.
Well, today I learned, after only three weeks at my new job which I was loving with caution, (not too much responsibility, lovely hours, time to spend with my cats), that the person I was assisting would be leaving. Would I be able to take on this full time job, with about a hundred times more responsibility and months of training?
Grateful to have the opportunity, terrified I will somehow ruin this, and afraid of what will happen, I have realized, perhaps I should just learn to accept my present and stop wanting something different.
Tomorrow I will learn more about my fate.
So, to get to the main point, I have recently been a secretary type person for the past five or six years working twelve hour days every other week or so, while trying to write in the evening. I went through a divorce, yadda, yadda, and... right, so, I lacked the tenacity and motivation that a person needs to get this done. Solution, I moved from my beloved Pasadena to Irvine to take a part time position and I would finally write, I would finally get this done.
Well, today I learned, after only three weeks at my new job which I was loving with caution, (not too much responsibility, lovely hours, time to spend with my cats), that the person I was assisting would be leaving. Would I be able to take on this full time job, with about a hundred times more responsibility and months of training?
Grateful to have the opportunity, terrified I will somehow ruin this, and afraid of what will happen, I have realized, perhaps I should just learn to accept my present and stop wanting something different.
Tomorrow I will learn more about my fate.
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