Certainty

It's very foggy in the mornings here in Irvine. Never having lived by the beach before, I have recently associated the weather to that. Pretty smart huh? I'm adjusting to the weather. Not that it's been very hard. But it seems to be following a pattern, it'll be a bit overcast, cold in the morning, then the clouds open up, the sun will shine and then there will be warmth. However, this particular day offered a consistent fog and a bit of drizzle. Very different then what I have been experiencing these past two months since moving out here. Why my boring tirade about the weather? Well, it's not certain is it? For awhile I thought I had it figured out, but it's not certain and when you think you have it somewhat predicted, it changes on you.
This past weekend I visited my parents in Riverside, there however you can count on it being insanely hot. (most of the time anyways) I sat next to my mom while she was sewing and we spoke about how life always seems to change and how unpredictable it can become in just a few moments, in just a sentence, a phone call or through a piece of information.
She had just learned that her sister had been keeping something from her and had rallied with her other sister. She's the youngest of ten children, five boys and five girls. She was extremely close to these two sisters in particular as they had all moved here from Korea in the seventies. They had a different bond. She was deeply hurt and at a sad reluctant form of acceptance. She had never expected this and especially at this point in their lives. Their children are all older, they are older, why pick now to do this?
She then spoke of how she never knew that she would move to a different country, or marry an American. We then spoke of my ex husband marrying again, just a month ago. My parents had known him for eleven years. They never expected that we would separate and find other people.
Then, she exemplified our discussion by saying "I used to tell you what to do, how you should do things, but now...you never know, you don't know what will happen" This woman thrives on giving direction. She takes giving unwanted advice to another level. It was strange, but extremely real, an odd heartfelt moment, bitter sweet.
It made me very thoughtful. I have yet to become married again, to even think of having children, or what my new job will lead too, or if I will truly ever make a name for myself as a writer. I'm pondering pursuing my Ph.D. again. Third time's a charm. It's frustrating, but at the same time, exciting. I remember there was a point in my life when I just really wanted an answer, someone to tell me what to do. I succumbed and called a psychic hotline. I learned that I had a powerful aura and if I try really hard I'll do well. Luckily it only took ten minutes for them to tell me that.
So nothing is certain, all we can do is pursue and hope and either rejoice at the outcome, or deal with it...