I have dreamed of traveling to many countries since I could remember. I want to sit on the sidewalks of Paris, visit the hometown of my grandparents in Ireland and Korea, see where Dickens lived in England and most of all, taste the food and wine of Italy. I love the way Italians sound when they speak, the way they emphasize with their hands, the way the language kind of lingers and rolls at the same time. Ci-ao, Be-lla, 
Bellis-ima...
I haven't done so yet, but, isn't it interesting that my new job entails working in an office for a science research laboratory consisting entirely of Italians? And isn't it interesting that I work for a research laboratory when I barely passed science in high school and avoided it like the plague in college?
I needed a change. I wanted to embark on something different, something that would take me out of my old job and give me a new perspective.
It's been about three weeks since I started. It started off very well, a nice relaxing environment, plenty of time to pursue my writing. I was becoming so relaxed that I even thought, perhaps I need something more, maybe I need a career, what am I doing, haven't I worked hard for something? What will I say when I need to fill out a form that asks, occupation?
And that was quickly put in perspective yesterday when I was offered exactly that, but in a field that I knew I would not find self validation or satisfaction. As I walked to the office this morning I thought, "If I take this, I can move to those extremely nice apartments in Newport, I wouldn't have to worry about saving so much..." but then I realized, I would be making that same regrettable choice I had made two years ago at my old job. That rather than move on and pursue what I wanted to do, even if it meant starting all over and severely cutting back on expenses, I chose to stay for a sense of security and fear of the unknown. The first year, I forgave myself for, I just got divorced and I needed the stability and the security. I also needed to support my cats! But the second year, I could blame the economy, but really what was I doing?
So now, I've been given this opportunity to write, I didn't even have this chance while in school for I was always working a full schedule.
As I entered the office I made up my mind, I would not take the promotion, I would continue to do what I was doing, because I needed too.
When I start paying bills, I may flinch a bit, but, at least I'll know that I tried, and I'm not repeating what made me feel so stuck and frustrated.
Unfortunately, the boss did not come in to work today, so my self coaching  tactics of "you can do this, and this is the right thing to do, and this is your life, live it damn you!" all fell down the drain.
But I did send a query letter for my novel to McSweeney's (www.mcsweeneys.net) who represents wonderful writers like Dave Eggers, and literary agency, Betsey Amster in Los Angeles. I also signed up on writersmarket.com to gain access to literary agents and publications.
We'll see, and in the meantime, got to work myself up again to talk to the boss tomorrow...