It's Sunday night and it's getting pretty close to midnight. I probably should have gone to bed about, oh, a few hours ago. How does that quote go? "I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it." If you are one of the very few, very well loved individuals that read this blog, and I really do applaud that since I am the worst at keeping the damned thing updated, I shall bring you up to speed. Yay!
First, as I am so infrequent at writing, I'll explain the motivation for tonight. Green Day. Haha, yes, this will sound lame, but I just watched the Showtime making of their American Idiot album onto Broadway, and I got teary eyed, and I got nostalgic, and I got inspired, and I got really thoughtful. Perhaps I should explain.
Now, I was a big fan of them, as was any twelve, thirteen year old was, when their "Dookie" album came out. I know there was some before that, but whatever, that was how I was exposed to them. Cut to about ten years later and "American Idiot" came out. People talk about albums (well, maybe not so much anymore because everyone just downloads songs now) but back in my day, I would hear tell about people being inspired or affected by certain albums that changed them or gave them some sort of comfort. Mine was, "American Idiot". It wasn't because I thought, "Yes, America is awful, and I'm politically involved and angry." It was an anthem to me in another way.
I grew up in the Inland Empire in Southern California and lived a very sheltered life. I married my high school sweetheart a week after graduating from the college that was a fifteen minute drive from my high school. I was renting the house that I grew up in for fifteen years from my parents, who lived five minutes away. I also worked at the local newspaper, not doing any writing at all, just distributing newspapers and faxes. Climb that ladder, kid! In other words, I was settled. But inside, I was screaming.
When I got this album and listened to these angst lyrics and songs about rebellion, about loss, about desperation and trying to find your way,(I could be wrong. Sorry Billy Joe, but that's how I interpreted it. You put it out there and that's what I got out of it) So... yes,when I heard "I'm the son of rage and love" or "Are we, we are the waiting unknown" I thought, "Yes, that's me! I don't know what I'm waiting for, or what's out there, so unknown.Preach it, Billy!" Yup, I fell in love with this album. I did what I could to rebel in my oh so rebellious way. I drove around in my red Corolla and I played that CD (hey remember CD's?) every time I got in the car. I went to the gym and I put that CD in my discman (hey remember discman's? and how they skipped and you'd have to stuff a towel around it in that little holder of the treadmill so it wouldn't rattle so damn much?) yep, and I would start on the first song, and just run on that hamster wheel through the whole album. Oddly, I was fatter back then and I ran a lot more. Weight train, people, it's waaaay more effective. You're welcome for that.
Anyways, so I did this, and I would run and get lost in the songs and be a huge sweaty, happy mess after an hour of running. (I can't do that anymore, bad knees) and then I'd go back to that house and back to that sad marriage and that sad job and feel miserable. That was almost fourteen years ago. Since then, I've remarried (so scandalous!) I've moved five times and have had four different jobs. Oh yeah, update from the last post, I'm back in SoCal and we are closing escrow on a house, Holy S#*t, right?! Talk about growing up and time passing by.
But the point of this very non important/important entry is that I remember thinking, "There has to be more out there for me. This can't be all that there is." It wasn't the fault of my city or the people in my life. It was with me. I was not happy with who I was, and I desperately needed to become comfortable with who I was and how I was living. It was that album that motivated me to get the courage to move out of that city, to apply to grad school (I know, ooh, you went off to college... again, big rebel) but, to a small town girl who was in marching band in high school, this was a huge turning point.
So, to round this rousing post out, I am suddenly inspired again. I'm in a good place, but I'm suddenly thinking, what more can I do? My dream since I was a kid was to be a writer, and to write screenplays and have people quote my lines that I made up. I sort of abandoned that hope as I got older and realized I was not going to be an intern at a production studio, because, ahem, I kind of like getting paid and having health insurance and I am getting too old to go work with eighteen year olds fighting for a spot. So, I work a lot of over time now at my shiny new job and I recently got accepted into a Doctorate program, (school again!I got in on the fifth try) and now I want to be a screenwriter too, and a professor, and I'd like to start a family since we're doing this house buying thing. By the way, one of the most stressful experiences ever, I take about five Ibuprofins's a day (just kidding, that's not good for you, I take, like, two) and then my stomach hurts from that, so....see, I am getting old, I'm telling you about my health issues... anyways, I feel like anything is possible, and now being in a happier, grounded place, I can achieve everything. (I may have a hard time waking up in the morning, so we'll see how long this high lasts.)
Here's to re-awoken dreams, may they always come back...and let's hope I have the discipline and the guts to carry them out....and yes, cheers to Green Day....(This has nothing to do with what I've been writing, I just have to add that one of my cats is meowing very creepily to himself in the living room, and it's like waaay past midnight now, and I'm a little scared. I may sleep with the light on tonight)...good night.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment